Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
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me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.