LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
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My purse is deeper than some people.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
prepare for carbonated trouble
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done