Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
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Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
😂😂
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.