Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
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“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.