Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
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2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Come back with a warrant
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.