I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
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the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Cha-ching is my safe word
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS