Siri, fight Alexa.
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Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.