Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
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ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient