People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
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History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.