A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
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Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok