“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
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I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Smile they said.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*