no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
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Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I triple waxed for this?
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow