Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
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Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Holy shit he’s back
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar