So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
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Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me