Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
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My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles