Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
One of the best
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family