[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
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But is it really??
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
I just love that new Pope smell.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
These are too funny not to post 😂