me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
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I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*