My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
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That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
seems like a niche market
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)