Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
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Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.