Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
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There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me