Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
You Might Also Like
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out