How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
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Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
That 👊
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good