Unexpected Judgment
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*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Basically.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Mornin
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs