Lmao
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therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.