Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
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socratic questions
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Wait for it
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”