That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
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People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
? 💀
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome