@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Hey I worked for it too!
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.