“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
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I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
She: I like Cats
He:
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah