I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
You Might Also Like
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39