“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
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Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Investing in beetcoin
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.