After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
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“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there