š¶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hairš¶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
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boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
I didnāt see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and thatās the first and last haunted house Iāll be visiting this year.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Iām chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and itās not even dark yet.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: āOne of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Thereās a serious limit in how much one can take
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no weāre just close
Iāve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
āIām caught in a love hexagon.ā – polygamists
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next timeā¦Iām gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolateā¦In fact, thereās never more chocolateā¦For, her mother, eats it all.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
šš¾
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Me: Whatās for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans