worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
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what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW