[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
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My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.