me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
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No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
welp
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.