this is literally a CIA plant
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[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.