When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
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Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom