Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
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[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.