Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
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I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.