[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
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What is going on? 😅
Yup.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next