So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
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supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
mariah carrie
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”