[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
You Might Also Like
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!