so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
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Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Dolls on drugs
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.