Fat chances are my favorite chances
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Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.