Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
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Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.