customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
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This hospital has everything
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.