*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
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Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet