First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
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My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
rapatouille
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
She: I like Cats
He:
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle