I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
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Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash